why why why why why????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
right now, i feel so low, dirty, disrespectful, unclean, and I have never resented something so much in my whole entire life before. It hurts so much. So deep. That definitely tore my heart, my soul and my whole being apart. I never knew Loving someone so much and giving it your all can hurt so so so much. Its like i died, but im still here.... wishing i really just died so that I wouldnt have to hurt so so so much. Is this my karma? I am so lost, confused and full of hate on myself. I cant believe what had just happened. Those words still sting me so much..... WHY???????????? I am so stupid. Im so stupid. Im so stupid. TAnga!!!! putang ina! nakakaloko! sobrang sakit..... I wish I could cry, i wish I could pour out all my frustrations and thoughts, but NO.... I cant ..... I cant face anyone anymore... I cant face him... I am so disgusted with myself. sana talaga mamatay na ako.......marami akong nadaanan, na lagpasan, at nakayanan.... pero putang ina!!!!!!!!!!!! bakit ganito? WHy do i love so much but i cant let go.....

i wish the world would swallow me up whole.... I hate hurting him, and yet I do....No matter how much I try to avoid it, hurting just happens... I just always always ruin it. And it SUCKS!!

Im scared... so scared of losing the only one who i ever loved like this... So scared that its just around the corner. I cant imagine ever losing the only one who made me feel so complete, so loved, and someone so true, someone who inspired me so much, someone who has been and who always will be the keeper of my heart.... It would hurt like HELL. I dont think I could ever bear it. :...(

in a few minutes il be joining my friends to go to Tagaytay.
actually, im at Joe's house, waiting for her to finish packing and taking a bath.

I had a perfect day yesterday with schiatzi. Im going to miss those wonderful hugs. I just feel so protected and safe whenever im in his arms. Sigh...

I wish everything will be ok. Saya pengen yang cowok saya mencintain saya lagi. Saya terlalu bingung dengan semua hal yang jadi. Saya terlalu kesel dengan diriku karena saya yang hal atau yang orang yang berantam dengan dia. Ada lain terjadian yang ngak harus ber berantaman, tetapi, saya bodoh sekali. Saya ngak bisa mengapus yang terjadian. waduh! Adah banyak jaman saya pengen mati. kemarin perfect, tetapi tadi malam tidak. Tadi malam, saya mau mati...... Saya pengen semua hal kembali ke normal..... saya cinta dia selalu! Sakit hati!

happy! shalalala! its so nice to be happy! shalalala

Its one of those few moments that I can say Im happy. Had dinner with my wacko girlfriends last night, and we just had a great time laughing our asses off! Pinag trip pan pa namin yung camera ni Jo, so we had a pictorial session. hahaha! classic! Even if my day with my man was a bit of a roller coaster ride, the girls really know how to make it high. Im just happy me and schiats are ok.

Wawa c joei last night! we had to bring everyone home kc la na ride, we left Ziera's place at 11, and I (the last one to be brought home before joei) got home at 115. Brought Mayan, Apol, Leah, Anna (the farthest -- read--SUSANNA HEIGHTS EXIT IN SSH!!!!!), then Kathy and finally me and Jo. Joei should get her beauty rest! Im also so happy for Joei....girlash! New beginning, new everything. I wish you happiness! You deserve to be HAPPY!!!

just finished the Baccalaureate mass today. Cant believe that it was the last day I wore my uniform. Imagine, all my school life. From prep to college, i have been wearing a uniform. Tomorrow onwards, I have to think of what to wear, pray that i didnt wear it on the same occasion, or that i look good, etc..... hassle! hehehe!

But its a change. Along with it, one of the major changes in life I have to face. Stepping into the REAL world: more work, more responsibilities, more bills to pay, and less monetary support from my parents. ( I worked and had more responsibilities than someone my age would have, but now, i have to triple that responsibility.)

So far, all my job interviews has been great. I just have to take my pick.

3 more sleeps till graduation, I just hope the people who mean so much to me would be there....

EXISTENCE isn’t merely living, it’s TOUCHING someone else’s life;

LIFE isn’t merely breathing, it’s being given FREEDOM to choose

==========================================
here...

This is where I started, this is where it would continue...

A chapter anew opens after graduation....

To a dreamer's life that is full of surprises
Challenges
Obstacles
Happiness
People
Achievements
Milestones
Dreams
Bliss

What else can I feel but to look forward to it
and to continue dreaming....

Just came back from a sleepover in baguio. Fun Fun fun!!!!!!! Met some great people who showed me the true blue nitty gritty Ukay Ukay! Got a really cutesy dress for 30 pesos! would you believe that! Before i met them, I already went to the Ukay at Session road.... got cute skirts for 50 and my grad dress for 100... I thought that was already cheap. Boy was I SOOOOOOO wrong!!! In the new place, i got 4 skirts, 3 cover-ups, 5 Signature blouses, 2 dresses and 1 jump skirt; all for about 300 pesos only! HAH!!!!!! Super Cheap! I went crazy there!!! NOw i know where Im gonna do all my shopping in baguio!! hahahahaha!

My only form of rest and peace after days and days of gruelty, cruelty, dispair and pain. This weekend with my cousin and her girlfriends was a truly a breath of fresh air.

Feels great being able to release grudges with someone who is going through the same obstacles and grudges. Feels superb knowing Im not alone in this world. Its total bliss having my man, my lover, my friend-Schiatzi by my side through all these: he comforts, relieves, listens, puts things in perspective when i am irrational.

My theme song for the weekend and next few days/weeks to come: Rainbow by South Border. .......I want to believe that there is a rainbow after the rain.

ah......... no more classes at last! Whew! I have so much to unload. Especially with thoughts and issues here at home. Depressing, bubble-burster and what nots. I just hate the way i am still treated as a prisoner here at home. Up to my graduation. Shit!

I just hope it doesnt stretch all the way till I work.... Btw, Good news, I have a Job! lucky me its real near the house. Lucky me its not a Call center although its also graveyard shift. Lucky me its in line with my course. Lucky me the authorities allowed me to take a vacation first and yet hired me anyway! Its a AIG-Business Systems Processing, Inc.

Right now, i have deep deep disregards with my mom. To the point of almost hating her! Its not my fault my grades aren't great. Had she been here to do her responsibilities instead of passing them on to me, plus the fact that I had my thesis as well, and all those Kamalasan that happened while she was away.

I need a break from it all right? Away from her, this house, and responsibilities even just for a while... a weekend at the least perhaps. So since my friends and I were planning to go to Puerto Galera right after Grad, being the 'diligent' daughter that I am, I asked her permission of course... lo and behold!! she said no! her reasoning--no boats, no planes, most of all, NO BEACH! fine! I let it pass for a while...... two weeks! Thats probably enough time right? So I asked her again and her answer..... another no! Reason? : With all the kamalasan that has happened, hinay hinay lang! WHATDAFUCK?!! Where was she when it all happened? Yes it was her jewellery, but who else was the aggravated party? MEE!!!!!!!!! Who needs a break??? MEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! who has been helping me the whole time she was gone? syempre wala! ako lang! My beautiful sister wont lift a finger about helping me, so im stuck with everything. Kaya ko kung kaya ko, pero pucha naman, tao lang ako at napupuno rin ako!!!!!!!

I want to disappear from her. Im just hoping that when I come back from Indo, she will decide to live there na. ALong with Cam and Tony. hay nako! Chin I can understand coz he'll still be going to college. I mean, we think the same so, and we get along, so, I think there wont be a problem.

Im just so frustrated at the fact that im damn 21 already, a graduate... well, in a week anyway, and yet I am still trapped like bird in a cage, waiting to fly!... hay life...